To start this post off let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am the 6th child out of 7. I have 6 full blood (no we're not dogs) siblings whom I love so dearly. A mother and father who have been married for 32 years come September. I have been very blessed to grow up in a beautiful life with parents that have never divorced or separated. It showed how true love really does exist. Not saying that divorces are sinfully wrong. Because sometimes you marry the wrong person.... (Like my fiance did) Understandable.
These past two and half weeks we have had Todd's 7 year old daughter. And despite how much I love her, she is challenging in every single way. But so are all 7 year olds. When I first met Todd I had just turned 20. Literally a week. And Todd was 27 about to be 28 at the time. The first week of talking I had no idea how old he was or the fact he had a daughter. The first night we hung out we watched a movie at his place and I had found a picture of this precious little girl. After he told me that was his daughter, I should of took off running right then and there. But I was 20 and looking to have fun. I was no where near ready to take on that responsibility. And after a few more times of hanging out I also found out Todd was previously married. Awesome... But for some odd reason that still didn't stop me from liking this guy, until I learned that he had just got out of this long drug out relationship with an ex girlfriend. I love my fiancé, but talk about some baggage man. But then again I had just got out of a relationship, so again looking to have fun!
Anyways, long story short. After about 2 years of on and off dating Todd and I were finally ready to begin our lives together. And then a year later we are starting our family!! Now look I love Todd's daughter, but as a woman it is hard not to wish sometimes the child wasn't there. There goes 2 firsts with Todd I'll never have. Yes this is his first son, but not his first child. I'm not the first person he put a ring on, the first person he got down on one knee on, or the first person to be laying on the delivery table bring 1/2 of him into the world. There's a lot of things that I wish he could take back. I hate the fact he's so much older than me sometimes, because we can never experience new things. But it is what it is.
Now to the real fun part. Todd's ex wife is due 3 weeks before me, so I guess any day now. As we have had Lilly these past weeks she tells us about her other unborn brother and also talks about our baby Jaxen. And during one of our conversations she calls Jaxen her "Oklahoma brother" That hit me like a brick to the face. Oklahoma brother??? Where does she get this non sense? Oh that's right, probably from her mother who's a piece of work in its self. So this brings me back to telling you about myself. I grew up with both parents, Todd grew up with his mom and step dad. So he's familiar with this more than I am. Again I'm not saying anything bad about divorces. It happens. But what I am saying is to just put yourself in my shoes... Pregnant hormonal woman at 9months about to have her first baby. It's tough being with someone who already has a child. It's tough that my son will have a half sister that he'll rarely see. It's also tough with Lilly because I don't know what kind of crap her mother is filling her head with. Oklahoma brother... Geez that erks my soul. It hurts my heart that she'll be more involved with her "Texas brother" than she'll be with Jaxen. Like she'll think her other brother is more important than Jaxen because she'll rarely see him so she won't really care. I am beyond ready for Jaxen to get here so I will not care about anything else. Like the fact I despise Lilly's mom, and the fact Lilly won't be around much once he gets here. I just don't give a crap anymore. I'm ready to love on my little boy and call him mine. It's just hard to not want to scream and cry when I think about this. Not to mention my brothers 1 year passing is coming up and I'm beyond heart broken he won't be here to see Jaxen being born. I know Lilly loves Todd and myself. I can see it in her eyes when she says I love you, gives hugs and kisses, cries out for us to tuck her in. But will she love an innocent child that she only sees a few times a year.??
I guess that's up to her. I've been talking to God constantly to get some reassurance about everything and it seems that I need to take each day by day and worry about myself and my baby. 3 and half more weeks and he will be here. I think now more than ever I'm ready for this chapter in my life to come to a close, and the one with my son to begin. It's been a tough year. I'm not sure how everything's going to pan out. But I'm focusing on myself and praying to God that he helps keep my mind and heart in the right place. I need to focus on having a safe birth and a stress free heart. So here's to many talks with God every day. I'm looking forward to these next 3 weeks!!
Also here's the 6 week recap!!
31 weeks
32 weeks
33 weeks
BABY BOYS BABY SHOWER
34 weeks
MATERNITY SHOOT BY KAT ADAMS PHOTOGRAPHY!!
35 weeks
36 weeks
Doctors appt today show no signs of dilation yet. Fingers crossed next week there will be some signs my baby boy is coming soon!!
im still breathing
-- april
