“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe
Lately I've been writting and saying how much I want to fall in love and have someone to hold the rest of my life. Well, after seeing one of my good friends go through a divorce I don't think I want to anymore. But everything happens for a reason though.
I've had my fair share of relationships and dating and they've all ended bad. I've been cheated on, lied to, been broken up with without even knowing it, and just straight treated like crap. But yet I still want to be with someone.
When ever I'm out with my single girlfriends and having a blast, I don't think about love. I am glad no one is blowing up my phone or being mad because I'm out. But when ever I'm out with my married/have bf friends, I miss it. I miss having someone text me saying "hope you have a good day" "I love you" or "I'm thinking about you". I miss having someone hold me and feeling like nothing in the world can hurt me.
My first ex... lets just call him Ted, would constantly text me out through out the day. He would ask me everynight to come over, go eat with him, or just take me to work. He (I thought) loved me. And I loved being with someone like that. I loved how much he loved me. That he would want to spend everyday and night with me. But as time went by, he began to like college more and more everyday, and I well.. was in highschool still and trying to find myself. Ted was the guy I quit EVERYTHING for. He was the guy that helped make my choice of not cheering my senior year, yes I go hurt but it was because i wasn't taking care of my body because spending time with him was more important. Bye scholarship. He was the guy that I quit playing softball for, I could of went to World and Nationals 1 more year. He was the guy that I stopped talking to all my friends for. And he was the guy that cheated on me with my bestfriend. Come on man. You couldn't of found anybody else. But stupid me got back together with him, and had a horric relationship with him for another year. Finally, I moved on. I got away. Everything happens for a reason. My ex bestfriend ended up getting pregnant in highschool and is divorced. My ex bf is now married and doing quit well actually. So good for him. Blah. But as the lord forgives us, we must forgive others.
My last ex... lets just call him Bill, was horrible. A 2 year off and on relationship that I could just shoot myself for. Yes at first it was good, but after the long months of constant back and forth, it began to get old. So why did I stay with this man for 2 years you ask.... Comfort. Have you ever just been so comfortble with something you don't want to change it? Thats what it was. Not to mention the pure undying love I had for his daughter. I didn't think it was possible to love a child that wasn't yours, like she was your own. She is part of the reason I stayed with him for so long. Not because he treated me like a princess and not because hes an amazing person, but because of her. My ex is selfish, inconsiderate, juvinile, hypocritical, disgusting, and just plain mean. I would love to go the rest of my life without talking to him again. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone who treats me like a spec of dust. Why would I want to be with someone who puts other females infront of me. Why did I care for someone so much that made me feel ugly and worthless and stupid. Why why why. It doesn't make sense. But everything happens for a reason. If him and I would have moved in together like we planned, I wouldn't have got my new car and I dang sure wouldn't be about to live on my own. I would probably be crying myself to sleep everynight like I was when I was with him. That is not healthy.
My dad use to make of me. He always said I was the type of girl who thinks "i can change him. he just needs someone to love him" .. Ughh I can still hear him saying that in my head. But he's right. A 30 year old man willing to change for a 22 year old is just silly. It's not nor will it ever happen.
So why do I still want to fall in love after having 2 CRAPPY relationships?? Simple. I want what my parents have. I want that simple kind of love. Yes there will be hard times, but it should of never been that hard with my ex's. It shouldn't be a constant battle of trying to get someones attention. It shouldn't be a competetion of who can hurt who the most.
"The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power"
-Unknown
I believe that statement is sooo true. My exs are living proof. All they would have to say is "now" and I'd get into my car and go. NO MORE!. Sorry ex's, I'm not going to be a fool any longer.
"So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."
-Hes Just Not That Into You
Out of all the years that I've been dating, I think I've finally realized to stop being so easy to catch. Stop falling for the same old bull crap. And believe actions not words.
im still breathing
--april
