Well it's been awhile since I've got caught up on my life. It's about time I step back and take a look at everything. Life in Texas... Where to begin?!?
Todd and I moved to Texas August 24. My amazing sweet sister Jennifer drove down with us and helped get us settled in for the weekend. Then on Sunday I had to say the most hardest goodbye of my life to her. I had to drop her off at the train station.. I call Jen my twin. We are 15 months apart and different in every way. She has always been there to hold my hand when I was scared and to hug me for happy moments. She's my best friend.
As August turned to September it didn't get easier. And on September 16 at 1:50pm I got a call that would turn my life around, forever. My brother committed suicide. Over the last couple years hes suffered from mental illness. I guess he couldn't take it anymore, I guess he just wanted to pain to stop... for good. He tried reaching out to us, we tried helping him, but we couldn't in a way he understood.
I remember my last day with my big brother. It was 2 days before Todd and I moved to Texas. We shared a great evening of dinner and a couple drinks. Just like old times. Before he got sick. Before I knew what a delicate state he was in. Before we left, after saying goodbye to my family. I looked at my brother, gave him a hug, and told him I loved him. Then he told me he loved me too. That was the last time I would ever see my big brother or talk to him again. It was the last memory I would ever share with him. It was the last time I would get to see his handsome face and hear his voice. Last time for everything.
After getting that phone call I packed a bag, said goodbye to Todd and Lilly, and took off to Oklahoma. It was the most lonely and unbearable drive I ever made. As soon as I hit the border, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My brother is gone and hes never coming back. I couldn't take it in Oklahoma anymore, so I drove back the next day and went to work. The viewing was a couple days later so I drove back down again. It was only family and brothers 2 best friends in the entire world. I was able to fight off the tears till the very end. When I got the chance to be alone with brother. While the casket was open I just stared at him. Waiting for him to open his eyes and say "Boo". Like he use to always scare me as a kid. But he didn't. He laid there, lifeless, so cold, and colorless. I finally was able to speak, and when I did I told him I was sorry for everything. I told him I was sorry I wasn't there for him we needed me. Sorry I just left him at his lowest moment. Sorry I wasn't a better sister to him. Sorry I didn't tell him I loved him everyday. Sorry I wasn't strong enough to not cry for him, because only sissy lala's cry... (What he use to say). And sorry that it took me this long to realize how sick he was. I wondered what he last thoughts were before he pulled the trigger. What kind of state of mind he must of entered for him to think this was his only way out. How helpless and scared he must of been right before he was gone. I hoped God was sitting right next to him, holding his hand because I bet he was scared. How could my brother not know that we all loved him so much that we tried everything we could. Tough love, too much love, listening, ignoring. No one knew what to do. And it still brings me to tears to think my kids will never know how wonderful he was. How full of life, funny, and courageous that man was. No person or money or material things will ever take his place. Now the funeral was a different game. Talk about the worst pain I have ever felt. Talk about just watching a person you love being lowered into the ground. Like hes nothing, like hes made of air. I will never forget the sounds of the creaking casket or the sounds of my mothers cries or the sniffles of my father. No new memory will block that out. Like I said nothing will ever get me over my big brother.
Nothing could fill this whole in my heart, no one on this earth will ever take his place, until.....
December 17, 2012. The day I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. Whoa.. Another life alternating moment. This pregnancy was not apart of the plans. The day before finding out Todd had purposed to me!!! One of the best moments in my life. He got down on one knee and told him he wanted to be with me forever. I said yes! The next day I went to the doctor and sure enough, I was pregnant. After telling Todd he just said "wow" in shock, as was I. Although the timing wasn't right for us to make a baby, it was right for us to have a baby. 3 months and 1 day of my brother being gone and I was pregnant. I am pregnant because my God doesn't make mistakes. I believe God and my brother has sent me an angel to be with me on earth. To be my light when the world is dark, to be my shelter from the rain, to pick me up when I am down. This amazing unborn child is a blessing to my family. A piece of my brother is being sent down to watch over me. I will never understand why things had to happen the way the did, but they did. I can't change my past, I can only change my future.
Now I am 15 weeks and 3 days. I could not be happier by what God has planned for me.
Its not that I am forgetting my brother, its just I am learning to keep on moving forward while keeping him with me forever. If this baby is a boy, he will be named after his amazing uncle!. Or if its a girl, she will be named after myself and my grandma who passed away February 16.
Well that should be caught up now, if anything else pops up (fingers crossed nothing does) everyone will be included.
im still breathing
--april
I remember my last day with my big brother. It was 2 days before Todd and I moved to Texas. We shared a great evening of dinner and a couple drinks. Just like old times. Before he got sick. Before I knew what a delicate state he was in. Before we left, after saying goodbye to my family. I looked at my brother, gave him a hug, and told him I loved him. Then he told me he loved me too. That was the last time I would ever see my big brother or talk to him again. It was the last memory I would ever share with him. It was the last time I would get to see his handsome face and hear his voice. Last time for everything.
After getting that phone call I packed a bag, said goodbye to Todd and Lilly, and took off to Oklahoma. It was the most lonely and unbearable drive I ever made. As soon as I hit the border, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My brother is gone and hes never coming back. I couldn't take it in Oklahoma anymore, so I drove back the next day and went to work. The viewing was a couple days later so I drove back down again. It was only family and brothers 2 best friends in the entire world. I was able to fight off the tears till the very end. When I got the chance to be alone with brother. While the casket was open I just stared at him. Waiting for him to open his eyes and say "Boo". Like he use to always scare me as a kid. But he didn't. He laid there, lifeless, so cold, and colorless. I finally was able to speak, and when I did I told him I was sorry for everything. I told him I was sorry I wasn't there for him we needed me. Sorry I just left him at his lowest moment. Sorry I wasn't a better sister to him. Sorry I didn't tell him I loved him everyday. Sorry I wasn't strong enough to not cry for him, because only sissy lala's cry... (What he use to say). And sorry that it took me this long to realize how sick he was. I wondered what he last thoughts were before he pulled the trigger. What kind of state of mind he must of entered for him to think this was his only way out. How helpless and scared he must of been right before he was gone. I hoped God was sitting right next to him, holding his hand because I bet he was scared. How could my brother not know that we all loved him so much that we tried everything we could. Tough love, too much love, listening, ignoring. No one knew what to do. And it still brings me to tears to think my kids will never know how wonderful he was. How full of life, funny, and courageous that man was. No person or money or material things will ever take his place. Now the funeral was a different game. Talk about the worst pain I have ever felt. Talk about just watching a person you love being lowered into the ground. Like hes nothing, like hes made of air. I will never forget the sounds of the creaking casket or the sounds of my mothers cries or the sniffles of my father. No new memory will block that out. Like I said nothing will ever get me over my big brother.
Robert Edward Guerra
4-6-1983 to 9-16-2012
Nothing could fill this whole in my heart, no one on this earth will ever take his place, until.....
December 17, 2012. The day I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. Whoa.. Another life alternating moment. This pregnancy was not apart of the plans. The day before finding out Todd had purposed to me!!! One of the best moments in my life. He got down on one knee and told him he wanted to be with me forever. I said yes! The next day I went to the doctor and sure enough, I was pregnant. After telling Todd he just said "wow" in shock, as was I. Although the timing wasn't right for us to make a baby, it was right for us to have a baby. 3 months and 1 day of my brother being gone and I was pregnant. I am pregnant because my God doesn't make mistakes. I believe God and my brother has sent me an angel to be with me on earth. To be my light when the world is dark, to be my shelter from the rain, to pick me up when I am down. This amazing unborn child is a blessing to my family. A piece of my brother is being sent down to watch over me. I will never understand why things had to happen the way the did, but they did. I can't change my past, I can only change my future.
Now I am 15 weeks and 3 days. I could not be happier by what God has planned for me.
Its not that I am forgetting my brother, its just I am learning to keep on moving forward while keeping him with me forever. If this baby is a boy, he will be named after his amazing uncle!. Or if its a girl, she will be named after myself and my grandma who passed away February 16.
Well that should be caught up now, if anything else pops up (fingers crossed nothing does) everyone will be included.
im still breathing
--april
