Well the title surely does give this entire post away. These past 30 weeks have completely flown by. It feels like last week I told my family that I was pregnant, and now in 2 months I will be having a child.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I won't lie. I thought my life was COMPLETELY over and I had nothing left to live for. Yes, I know, I am dramatic. But when it comes down to bringing a child into this world, you get scared. After the numbing wore off, I started to get excited. And after finding out the gender of my little boy, I got even more excited. I always said I wanted a boy first. Well I got my wish!! Then as the next 11 weeks went on we started to plan a nursery and buy little boy things and feeling him swim around in belly all day I just couldn't wait for him to be here!! My own flesh and blood will be born in 2 months.
Whoaaaa slow down time.... As week 30 hit last Friday, I hit a wall. I am going to be a mommy. Who in there right mind would let me, a 23 year old woman have baby. Oh that's right God did. Why me Lord? What did I do that was super awesome to be blessed with a baby? I'm not ready for this, I am still a baby myself. I haven't grown up yet. I still like going out and having a couple drinks with my friends. I like having nice things and going out shopping (when I have money) Who am I to take care of a little human being. An innocent life that for some crazy reason choose me, is now counting on me to make sure he is fed, warm, clean, held, and all the other stuff a baby needs is done. What is happening with my life. I am no where near ready. What if he doesn't like me. What if I'm not a good mom. What if I drop him. What if I accidentally leave him in the car??? These are all the thoughts that keep me up at night, and the fact I can't get comfortable.
Well April, it's time to grow up. It's time to finally get your crap together and suck it up. I am not saying I don't love this baby, because I do. I love him more than anything in the world and I haven't even met him. How crazy is it to love someone so much and I have never touched his face or held his hand. But I know him. He is a spunky child that likes to tap dance on my bladder. He likes to hide from the doctor when she tries to hear his heart beat. He loves the sound of the girls in my office because he moves around as soon as I get to work. My baby will such a ladies man. And the best thing of all.... he is my child. No one elses. (Well except his handsome daddy's) I am the one who gets to mold and shape him into the person he's going to be when he gets older. How neat!!
I guess the more I think about how I am the one who gets to raise him into a great person the more I relax. An ease sets into my mind and I can calm down with the anxiety attack. It's not the end of the world. It's just beginning for my little family!
I will never understand why God is letting me borrow one of his children or why Jaxen choose me. But I will spend every second of every day making sure they don't regret it. I can't wait to love of my little boy and for the day he calls me momma. It will be the sight of fireworks!
Here is a snap of my doctor and I at my check up listening to his precious heart beat!
And here is 30 Weeks. I look like I am ready to pop, but doc says I am just fine!
Looking forward to these next 9 1/2 weeks!! No more dramatic mood swings.
im still breathing
--april
