1 WEEK NEW!

As I sit here looking at the clock on the wall it reads 3:00 am. But I'm sure by the time I get to posting this it'll be at night. Working in some "me" time in between feedings, diaper changes, cuddles, and sweet kisses; is difficult. But that's life with a new born! 

I ended off at 36 weeks and the mind struggle of whether my step daughter will have the love for her little brother, like I did my siblings. I didn't doubt she wasn't excited but just that given she's 7 years old and at her age babies aren't very fun. So I'll finish up with 37-39 1/2 weeks. 

37 WEEKS

38 WEEKS

39WEEKS

As those last few weeks went by my body just physically could not handle being pregnant any more. The back rubs weren't working. Climbing up and down stairs and bouncing on my yoga weren't either. So I made the decision to be induced. I kind of didn't have a say as to the date. I called on Monday and was set to be induced Wednesday morning at 5:30 am. So needless to say my life was about to change quick! And the 7th was the most perfect day since 7 is my favorite number of all time.

Tuesday night we checked into the hospital and I was given medication to kind of get the process started. In the middle of the night my contractions begun but nothing consistent. So the potocine was started at 5:30AM!! My water had broke around 10 and right after that the contractions got way worse. Now I'm not trying to be a hero, I thought it'd be cool to go natural like my mom did with me. But again, I'm no hero. Epidural came in about 12! From then on it was numb butt city. I could still feel and move my feet and calves which is great! Because I still wanted to be able to feel the sensation of my son being born. Then by 5:30PM it was time to push. I pushed for what seemed like eternity but was only shy of an hour. I had Todd there as well as my mom and his mom. We all know I love my man but I think one of the best parts was that my mom was there. Cheering on her baby to have her grand baby. And it was the BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. 

I gave birth August 7th, 2013 at 6:19pm to a blonde headed blue eyed angel weighing in at 7 lbs 10oz and 20 1/2 inches long named Jaxen Robert Godley. I was in the love. After he came out of the birth canal they laid him on my stomach and began to clean him off. This baby boy has a set of lungs on him for sure, but as soon as daddy started talking to Jaxen he stopped crying immediately. Todd and I always wondered if he'd recognized his voice since we had opposite schedules, and we were proven he does!!

After Jaxen was cleaned off family was able to come in and Lilly was the first to meet her new baby brother. The beam of excitement on her face was priceless and the "yay" she made after she saw his blonde hair was hilarious. She said "good he looks like me!" The rest of the families ohhs and ahhs were reassuring that I truly had a cute kid!

I can't get over the fact I carried this precious tiny human in my belly for just 2 days shy of 10 whole months. I was pregnant for almost a year! I'm going to miss feeling him squirm around in my stomach and being a part of me. But I am loving having him here. And being able to touch him and kiss his sweet little cheeks. My baby boy is the most perfect little human being. I get so teary eyed just thinking about how wonderful my life has become  I am beyond excited to use this blog to track his growing. It'll be something for us to look back on and remember exactly how I felt at each moment of our lives. My baby is finally in my arms!

40 WEEKS

1 WEEK NEW :)))

im still breathing

--april

The "oklahoma" brother

To start this post off let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am the 6th child out of 7. I have 6 full blood (no we're not dogs) siblings whom I love so dearly. A mother and father who have been married for 32 years come September. I have been very blessed to grow up in a beautiful life with parents that have never divorced or separated. It showed how true love really does exist. Not saying that divorces are sinfully wrong. Because sometimes you marry the wrong person.... (Like my fiance did) Understandable.

These past two and half weeks we have had Todd's 7 year old daughter. And despite how much I love her, she is challenging in every single way. But so are all 7 year olds. When I first met Todd I had just turned 20. Literally a week. And Todd was 27 about to be 28 at the time. The first week of talking I had no idea how old he was or the fact he had a daughter. The first night we hung out we watched a movie at his place and I had found a picture of this precious little girl. After he told me that was his daughter, I should of took off running right then and there. But I was 20 and looking to have fun. I was no where near ready to take on that responsibility. And after a few more times of hanging out I also found out Todd was previously married. Awesome... But for some odd reason that still didn't stop me from liking this guy, until I learned that he had just got out of this long drug out relationship with an ex girlfriend. I love my fiancé, but talk about some baggage man. But then again I had just got out of a relationship, so again looking to have fun!

Anyways, long story short. After about 2 years of on and off dating Todd and I were finally ready to begin our lives together. And then a year later we are starting our family!! Now look I love Todd's daughter, but as a woman it is hard not to wish sometimes the child wasn't there. There goes 2 firsts with Todd I'll never have. Yes this is his first son, but not his first child. I'm not the first person he put a ring on, the first person he got down on one knee on, or the first person to be laying on the delivery table bring 1/2 of him into the world. There's a lot of things that I wish he could take back. I hate the fact he's so much older than me sometimes, because we can never experience new things. But it is what it is. 

Now to the real fun part. Todd's ex wife is due 3 weeks before me, so I guess any day now. As we have had Lilly these past weeks she tells us about her other unborn brother and also talks about our baby Jaxen. And during one of our conversations she calls Jaxen her "Oklahoma brother" That hit me like a brick to the face. Oklahoma brother??? Where does she get this non sense? Oh that's right, probably from her mother who's a piece of work in its self. So this brings me back to telling you about myself. I grew up with both parents, Todd grew up with his mom and step dad. So he's familiar with this more than I am. Again I'm not saying anything bad about divorces. It happens. But what I am saying is to just put yourself in my shoes... Pregnant hormonal woman at 9months about to have her first baby. It's tough being with someone who already has a child. It's tough that my son will have a half sister that he'll rarely see. It's also tough with Lilly because I don't know what kind of crap her mother is filling her head with. Oklahoma brother... Geez that erks my soul. It hurts my heart that she'll be more involved with her "Texas brother" than she'll be with Jaxen. Like she'll think her other brother is more important than Jaxen because she'll rarely see him so she won't really care. I am beyond ready for Jaxen to get here so I will not care about anything else. Like the fact I despise Lilly's mom, and the fact Lilly won't be around much once he gets here. I just don't give a crap anymore. I'm ready to love on my little boy and call him mine. It's just hard to not want to scream and cry when I think about this. Not to mention my brothers 1 year passing is coming up and I'm beyond heart broken he won't be here to see Jaxen being born. I know Lilly loves Todd and myself. I can see it in her eyes when she says I love you, gives hugs and kisses, cries out for us to tuck her in. But will she love an innocent child that she only sees a few times a year.?? 

I guess that's up to her. I've been talking to God constantly to get some reassurance about everything and it seems that I need to take each day by day and worry about myself and my baby. 3 and half more weeks and he will be here. I think now more than ever I'm ready for this chapter in my life to come to a close, and the one with my son to begin. It's been a tough year. I'm not sure how everything's going to pan out. But I'm focusing on myself and praying to God that he helps keep my mind and heart in the right place. I need to focus on having a safe birth and a stress free heart. So here's to many talks with God every day. I'm looking forward to these next 3 weeks!!

Also here's the 6 week recap!!

31 weeks

32 weeks 

33 weeks

BABY BOYS BABY SHOWER

 34 weeks

MATERNITY SHOOT BY KAT ADAMS PHOTOGRAPHY!!

 35 weeks

36 weeks

Doctors appt today show no signs of dilation yet. Fingers crossed next week there will be some signs my baby boy is coming soon!!

im still breathing
-- april

Thoughts on being a mommy

Well the title surely does give this entire post away. These past 30 weeks have completely flown by. It feels like last week I told my family that I was pregnant, and now in 2 months I will be having a child.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I won't lie. I thought my life was COMPLETELY over and I had nothing left to live for. Yes, I know, I am dramatic. But when it comes down to bringing a child into this world, you get scared. After the numbing wore off, I started to get excited. And after finding out the gender of my little boy, I got even more excited. I always said I wanted a boy first. Well I got my wish!! Then as the next 11 weeks went on we started to plan a nursery and buy little boy things and feeling him swim around in belly all day I just couldn't wait for him to be here!! My own flesh and blood will be born in 2 months.

Whoaaaa slow down time....  As week 30 hit last Friday, I hit a wall. I am going to be a mommy. Who in there right mind would let me, a 23 year old woman have baby. Oh that's right God did. Why me Lord? What did I do that was super awesome to be blessed with a baby? I'm not ready for this, I am still a baby myself. I haven't grown up yet. I still like going out and having a couple drinks with my friends. I like having nice things and going out shopping (when I have money) Who am I to take care of a little human being. An innocent life that for some crazy reason choose me, is now counting on me to make sure he is fed, warm, clean, held, and all the other stuff a baby needs is done. What is happening with my life. I am no where near ready. What if he doesn't like me. What if I'm not a good mom. What if I drop him. What if I accidentally leave him in the car??? These are all the thoughts that keep me up at night, and the fact I can't get comfortable.

Well April, it's time to grow up. It's time to finally get your crap together and suck it up. I am not saying I don't love this baby, because I do. I love him more than anything in the world and I haven't even met him. How crazy is it to love someone so much and I have never touched his face or held his hand. But I know him. He is a spunky child that likes to tap dance on my bladder. He likes to hide from the doctor when she tries to hear his heart beat. He loves the sound of the girls in my office because he moves around as soon as I get to work. My baby will such a ladies man. And the best thing of all.... he is my child. No one elses. (Well except his handsome daddy's) I am the one who gets to mold and shape him into the person he's going to be when he gets older. How neat!! 

I guess the more I think about how I am the one who gets to raise him into a great person the more I relax. An ease sets into my mind and I can calm down with the anxiety attack. It's not the end of the world. It's just beginning for my little family!

I will never understand why God is letting me borrow one of his children or why Jaxen choose me. But I will spend every second of every day making sure they don't regret it. I can't wait to love of my little boy and for the day he calls me momma. It will be the sight of fireworks!

Here is a snap of my doctor and I at my check up listening to his precious heart beat!

And here is 30 Weeks. I look like I am ready to pop, but doc says I am just fine!

Looking forward to these next 9 1/2 weeks!! No more dramatic mood swings.



im still breathing
--april

It's becoming all so real

So I think I've written this post about 5 times in the past 3 weeks and it keeps disappearing or my pregnancy brain isn't saving it. But either way the show must go on!

The last time I had a moment to catch my breath I was 15 weeks pregnant!! Now I am at 29! Holy almost 10 weeks left. I am just mind boggled how quickly this pregnancy is moving. It was like one day I am pushing my stomach out to see what I'm going to look like, and then the next I can't see my feet! But as I'm sure all of you may know, we are having a boy. A BOYYYYY!! How ironic that after 1 1/2 months after my brothers passing we are being blessed by a little boy! His middle name will be after my brothers first. 

Jaxen Robert Godley 

I am just simply amazed by God and the way he has my life planned out! Also we moved back to Oklahoma! Texas was great but Oklahoma is home.

Since being gone in Texas and getting pregnant, I have found how different people treat you. As far as returning calls, texts, hanging out. It's a very emotional and humbling experience weeding out your friends. But it is what it is. I am happy to say that I've found my true friends who stick by my side! My sweet best friend Taylar and Whitney are throwing me a baby shower in June. As soon as I told them I was pregnant they insisted on it and for that I'm thankful! My bubbly friend Kat who's my maternity photographer is throwing my work shower as well. What gems of friends I have to put my plans in front of there's. I am happy to have friends that understood how limited my time was when I'd come to visit Oklahoma that they still want to come to my shower. My softball girls being amazing and having dinner with me and coming to my Gender Party. It's beyond blessing. But for those who stopped being my friend just because a few miles got in the way, thank you for showing your true colors and showing me what I'm NOT missing.

Anyways.... I have to brag a little on my pregnancy since I'm already here. 80% of this pregnancy has been awesome! Morning sickness only struck twice, some nausea, little weight gain, and every other day energy. When I really think about how good I have it, it makes me wonder how I won't be so lucky with birth or getting pregnant with my 2nd child in 5 years. But we will cross that bridge when it gets here. For now I'm going to embrace this glorious last trimester and try to get sleep. Oh that's the other 20% Not being able to sleep at night. Can't get comfortable is getting annoying. So is getting up 4 times in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Awesome right?!!

Well here's to the next 10 weeks in hopes they fly by like these past 30 weeks!! I can't wait to meet the one who is my light in the darkness! And for those who have missed it, below us a recap of my heaven sent!

16 weeks

17 weeks

18 weeks

19 weeks

ITS A BOY

20 weeks

21 weeks

22 weeks

23 weeks

24 weeks

25 weeks

26 weeks

27 weeks

28 weeks

29 weeks

Thanks for the support everyone.

im still breathing
--april

The story behind it all...

Well it's been awhile since I've got caught up on my life. It's about time I step back and take a look at everything. Life in Texas... Where to begin?!?

Todd and I moved to Texas August 24. My amazing sweet sister Jennifer drove down with us and helped get us settled in for the weekend. Then on Sunday I had to say the most hardest goodbye of my life to her. I had to drop her off at the train station.. I call Jen my twin. We are 15 months apart and different in every way. She has always been there to hold my hand when I was scared and to hug me for happy moments. She's my best friend.

As August turned to September it didn't get easier. And on September 16 at 1:50pm I got a call that would turn my life around, forever. My brother committed suicide. Over the last couple years hes suffered from mental illness. I guess he couldn't take it anymore, I guess he just wanted to pain to stop... for good. He tried reaching out to us, we tried helping him, but we couldn't in a way he understood.

I remember my last day with my big brother. It was 2 days before Todd and I moved to Texas. We shared a great evening of dinner and a couple drinks. Just like old times. Before he got sick. Before I knew what a delicate state he was in. Before we left, after saying goodbye to my family. I looked at my brother, gave him a hug, and told him I loved him. Then he told me he loved me too. That was the last time I would ever see my big brother or talk to him again. It was the last memory I would ever share with him. It was the last time I would get to see his handsome face and hear his voice. Last time for everything. 

After getting that phone call I packed a bag, said goodbye to Todd and Lilly, and took off to Oklahoma. It was the most lonely and unbearable drive I ever made. As soon as I hit the border, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. My brother is gone and hes never coming back. I couldn't take it in Oklahoma anymore, so I drove back the next day and went to work. The viewing was a couple days later so I drove back down again. It was only family and brothers 2 best friends in the entire world. I was able to fight off the tears till the very end. When I got the chance to be alone with brother. While the casket was open I just stared at him. Waiting for him to open his eyes and say "Boo". Like he use to always scare me as a kid. But he didn't. He laid there, lifeless, so cold, and colorless. I finally was able to speak, and when I did I told him I was sorry for everything. I told him I was sorry I wasn't there for him we needed me. Sorry I just left him at his lowest moment. Sorry I wasn't a better sister to him. Sorry I didn't tell him I loved him everyday. Sorry I wasn't strong enough to not cry for him, because only sissy lala's cry... (What he use to say). And sorry that it took me this long to realize how sick he was. I wondered what he last thoughts were before he pulled the trigger. What kind of state of mind he must of entered for him to think this was his only way out. How helpless and scared he must of been right before he was gone. I hoped God was sitting right next to him, holding his hand because I bet he was scared. How could my brother not know that we all loved him so much that we tried everything we could. Tough love, too much love, listening, ignoring. No one knew what to do. And it still brings me to tears to think my kids will never know how wonderful he was. How full of life, funny, and courageous that man was. No person or money or material things will ever take his place. Now the funeral was a different game. Talk about the worst pain I have ever felt. Talk about just watching a person you love being lowered into the ground. Like hes nothing, like hes made of air. I will never forget the sounds of the creaking casket or the sounds of my mothers cries or the sniffles of my father. No new memory will block that out. Like I said nothing will ever get me over my big brother.

Robert Edward Guerra

4-6-1983 to 9-16-2012

Nothing could fill this whole in my heart, no one on this earth will ever take his place, until.....

December 17, 2012. The day I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. Whoa.. Another life alternating moment. This pregnancy was not apart of the plans. The day before finding out Todd had purposed to me!!! One of the best moments in my life. He got down on one knee and told him he wanted to be with me forever. I said yes! The next day I went to the doctor and sure enough, I was pregnant. After telling Todd he just said "wow" in shock, as was I. Although the timing wasn't right for us to make a baby, it was right for us to have a baby. 3 months and 1 day of my brother being gone and I was pregnant. I am pregnant because my God doesn't make mistakes. I believe God and my brother has sent me an angel to be with me on earth. To be my light when the world is dark, to be my shelter from the rain, to pick me up when I am down. This amazing unborn child is a blessing to my family. A piece of my brother is being sent down to watch over me. I will never understand why things had to happen the way the did, but they did. I can't change my past, I can only change my future.

Now I am 15 weeks and 3 days. I could not be happier by what God has planned for me. 

Its not that I am forgetting my brother, its just I am learning to keep on moving forward while keeping him with me forever. If this baby is a boy, he will be named after his amazing uncle!. Or if its a girl, she will be named after myself and my grandma who passed away February 16.

Well that should be caught up now, if anything else pops up (fingers crossed nothing does) everyone will be included. 



im still breathing
--april

My Soul Mate

I can't even begin to write how much things have changed over the past 2 months. How different my life has been. And I can't even finish those sentences with out having a big smile on my face.

 I'll take you back to May when I realized my prayer had been answered when I got approved for an apt. I have almost no credit except my car which I had been paying for, for a couple months. But I got approved. I was ready to start my new journey in Norman. As I was getting ready to move I had received a text from non other than my recent ex, Todd. And after the next couple weeks they became a ritual. After getting settled in, I finally gave in and went to dinner with him. 6 months we had been broken up, and in those 6 months we both had dated other people and pretty sure we both grew up. Of course there was the occasional get togethers between us, but it never became more than a hello. After our date it was like a rush upon me. I got those butterfly feelings like we had just met for the first time. I had fallen in love with him all over again. And after a few more days of basically only leaving his house to go to work, everything went back to normal. Like we had never broke up.

 A few weeks being back into a relationship he asked me how I would feel if he moved to Texas in the fall. I still get angry when I tell this part, but almost felt like we were breaking up just when we were getting back together. But then the big question came. "Would you consider moving down there with me." Uhmm.. What?!? In the past we had talked several times about moving in together. The timing was never right. Something would come up. And this time was probably the worst time. I had just signed my lease. A 1 year lease. So with out hesitation I immediately said I need some sort of commitment, just like any other girl would ask. And well, we're working on it!! We went on a weekend trip to Texas for a ball tournament and to see his daughter for fathers day. While we were there we went to look at an apt. A month later we went back down there to pick up his daughter, looked at more places and it started becoming surreal!

 Thinking about moving to a different state is down right scary, and putting a couple who's never lived together in that situation for the first time is scarier. But I also couldn't be more excited. Lately marriage has been brought up. Kids have been brought up. And I am just all sorts of happy at this moment. My soul mate is next to my side at night. I get to talk to him everyday. Our relationship has never been easy, but its sure worth fighting for. I'm finally at a place where I want to scream "I Love Todd" from the roof top.

April 2010. Our first picture together on Todds birthday.

I don't have one single doubt he doesn't feel the same about me. He tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me everyday. It's still weird getting use to this side of him. It's a side I've never seen and I am so happy it has finally came out. We do not have a normal relationship by any means. We fight and call each other silly names, but 2 seconds later we kiss.

my soul-mate

He really is my rock. No matter how bad of a day I'm having, he is right there to pick me up. And I do the same for him. He's my true soul mate. I'm so in love with this man, I don't think God could have picked a better match for me. And for that I am eternally grateful. I thank God every day for him, and I keep praying to God that our relationship continues to grow stronger. Its funny to think of how different we both are now. It's just me and him. No one else this time. Every morning I wake up, I think of how lucky I am. I smile at the beautiful man next me. I also find myself smiling through out the day because of him. Because I think of how much I love him. I can't wait for the day I get to all myself April Marie Godley.  I just want to run down to the courthouse to get married. But we won't.! This man completes me.

As a girl, growing up you don't think that you would end up with a man who has already been married and already has a daughter. You shutter at those thoughts. If I told myself 3 years ago that I would fall in love with a man like this, I would laugh. But now, I couldn't imagaine my life any different. I don't even want to think about where I would be, who'd I be with, or anything. He truely saved me. And Lilly, his daughter, is a bonus!

Lillan Kia Godley

Lilly is the most wild, creative, bubbly, amazing, kind hearted, smart, and loving child I could of been blessed with. She loves me just as much as I love her. She cries for me sometimes, she hugs me with no reason, always wants to cuddle with me before bed, holds my hand, and tells me she loves me. I am so lucky to have her in my life. God couldn't have picked a better future step-daughter for me.

I can't think of two better people I could spend the rest of my life with. I am just amazed. I can't wait to keep writing about our journey together as a future family. Its going to be crazy, fun, full of life, and so loving. 

1 Corinthians 13:13

And now these 3 remain; faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these, is love.

im still breathing
--april