everything happens for a reason

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” 
-Marilyn Monroe

Lately I've been writting and saying how much I want to fall in love and have someone to hold the rest of my life. Well, after seeing one of my good friends go through a divorce I don't think I want to anymore. But everything happens for a reason though.

I've had my fair share of relationships and dating and they've all ended bad. I've been cheated on, lied to, been broken up with without even knowing it, and just straight treated like crap. But yet I still want to be with someone.

When ever I'm out with my single girlfriends and having a blast, I don't think about love. I am glad no one is blowing up my phone or being mad because I'm out. But when ever I'm out with my married/have bf friends, I miss it. I miss having someone text me saying "hope you have a good day" "I love you" or "I'm thinking about you". I miss having someone hold me and feeling like nothing in the world can hurt me.

My first ex... lets just call him Ted, would constantly text me out through out the day. He would ask me everynight to come over, go eat with him, or just take me to work. He (I thought) loved me. And I loved being with someone like that. I loved how much he loved me. That he would want to spend everyday and night with me. But as time went by, he began to like college more and more everyday, and I well.. was in highschool still and trying to find myself. Ted was the guy I quit EVERYTHING for. He was the guy that helped make my choice of not cheering my senior year, yes I go hurt but it was because i wasn't taking care of my body because spending time with him was more important. Bye scholarship. He was the guy that I quit playing softball for, I could of went to World and Nationals 1 more year. He was the guy that I stopped talking to all my friends for. And he was the guy that cheated on me with my bestfriend. Come on man. You couldn't of found anybody else. But stupid me got back together with him, and had a horric relationship with him for another year. Finally, I moved on. I got away. Everything happens for a reason. My ex bestfriend ended up getting pregnant in highschool and is divorced. My ex bf is now married and doing quit well actually. So good for him. Blah. But as the lord forgives us, we must forgive others.

My last ex... lets just call him Bill, was horrible. A 2 year off and on relationship that I could just shoot myself for. Yes at first it was good, but after the long months of constant back and forth, it began to get old. So why did I stay with this man for 2 years you ask.... Comfort. Have you ever just been so comfortble with something you don't want to change it? Thats what it was. Not to mention the pure undying love I had for his daughter. I didn't think it was possible to love a child that wasn't yours, like she was your own. She is part of the reason I stayed with him for so long. Not because he treated me like a princess and not because hes an amazing person, but because of her. My ex is selfish, inconsiderate, juvinile, hypocritical, disgusting, and just plain mean. I would love to go the rest of my life without talking to him again. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Why would I want to be with someone who treats me like a spec of dust. Why would I want to be with someone who puts other females infront of me. Why did I care for someone so much that made me feel ugly and worthless and stupid. Why why why. It doesn't make sense. But everything happens for a reason. If him and I would have moved in together like we planned, I wouldn't have got my new car and I dang sure wouldn't be about to live on my own. I would probably be crying myself to sleep everynight like I was when I was with him. That is not healthy.

My dad use to make of me. He always said I was the type of girl who thinks "i can change him. he just needs someone to love him" .. Ughh I can still hear him saying that in my head. But he's right. A 30 year old man willing to change for a 22 year old is just silly. It's not nor will it ever happen.

So why do I still want to fall in love after having 2 CRAPPY relationships?? Simple. I want what my parents have. I want that simple kind of love. Yes there will be hard times, but it should of never been that hard with my ex's. It shouldn't be a constant battle of trying to get someones attention. It shouldn't be a competetion of who can hurt who the most.

"The person who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power"
-Unknown

I believe that statement is sooo true. My exs are living proof. All they would have to say is "now" and I'd get into my car and go. NO MORE!. Sorry ex's, I'm not going to be a fool any longer.

The BEST book I have ever read that wasn't a Christian Book. Girls can learn a lot from this. It teaches you how to not let a man walk all over you. It teaches you to not sit around waiting on a phone call, thats not going to come.

"So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."
-Hes Just Not That Into You

Out of all the years that I've been dating, I think I've finally realized to stop being so easy to catch. Stop falling for the same old bull crap. And believe actions not words.

im still breathing
--april

My Time

Know how to live the time that is given you.
 --Dario Fo

About a year ago something happened that you only hear about to other people. My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. I remember being on the phone with my sister when she told me and I immediately burst into tears. I began to think to myself and ask why? Why was this happening to the best man I've ever known. My Dad is my rock. He brings me back down to reality when my head is in the clouds. It felt like everything was crashing down. My Dad was hurting, I was having relationship troubles with my boyfriend at the time, and trying to pay off a student loan. It was just crazy time.

Daddys girl :)

A couple months ago someone in my family was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I am terrified. Schizophrenia is a chronic brain disorder that affects 2.4 million Americans in a given year and more than 24 million people worldwide. It's crazy to think that it happened to someone in my immediate family. Sometimes I wonder why my family is being punished. I don't hear stories about this happening to any of my friends. But sometimes we don't like to spill secrets about our family. Today was just a bad day for them. Hospital visit today and we won't know what is going on till after 72 hours. I don't know what to do.
But after everything that has been going on and talking to my Dad while I visit my family every Sunday, he has taught me a lot about time.
Time with your family and your time alone with God are the 2 most important times for me.
I didn't know how far along my Dad was with his Cancer, so I decided every Sunday I would make the drive to Piedmont to spend time with him. My mom told me that some days he would be in a lot of pain from the radiation or the medicine and other days he would be fine. Sometimes I would go into my parents room and see my dad taking a nap and I would go in there, lay beside him, hold his hand, and just pray. My time is limited with my dad. Hes getting older and fortunately the Cancer is gone for now. He told me that life happens everyday and I'm just wasting my precious time being caught up with silly things and silly boys. I'm getting older and I need to go back to school. I have so many things I need to do before its too late. But the one thing I don't need to rush is Love.
When I was 18 I was currently working at a Day Care and Sonic. I loved working at the daycare with all different age groups but mostly the Elementary kids. I knew I always wanted to be married and have kids at a young age. I told myself, when I turn 22 I want to be engaged or married and to have kids by 23 or 24. Now coming up on my 22nd birthday next month, I am single. And you know what?? I'm completely ok with that. I recently just got out of a bad relationship with nothing to show for it. I sometimes feel like I wasted so much time, money, love. Everything. But I didn't. My dad says its all preparation for my future husband. I man that will take me as I am. Love me for me. And will not waste my time. He says love is something you don't rush into. It's something that will be there forever. So I'm taking his word for it. Even if I don't get married till I'm 30, I'll be ok with that. I need to get my self together and become a better person. I have to for my sanity.

When I fall in love, I'll take my time. There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind.
--Jason Maraz

im still breathing
--april

3 Stages

I was watching my Best Friends daughter the other night and I got to thinking about when the day will come for me to be a parent. I thought about all the things I would teach them. If it was a girl, she would for sure be a softball or basketball player, or a cheerleader. And if it was a boy, he could play any sport.
After pondering it a little more, I decided I didn't care what sport they play as long as he or she is healthy and I raise them with knowledge. I started thinking about how my parents raised me. They gave me every single opportunity to do whatever I wanted. I never ever went with out. And I realized the 3 stages I have had to so far with my parents.

Stage 1: Being a kid and wanting to spend every minute with them and wanting to be grow up just like them.

Stage 2: Being a teenager and "hating" them. I swore they were ruining my life and I wish they would just emancipate me already. I was better off with out them anyways.

And Stage 3: Realizing they were right about EVERYTHING!!! They told you, you would regret that facial piercing, being with that boyfriend you swore you were "going to marry one day", moving out because you decided to slack in college, thus getting on probation and not being able to get a loan again. So you had a choice to pay rent or move out. Not paying enough attention in church when I was teenager, thus making my relationship with God so distant. Telling me "nothing good happens past midnight" thus me getting a $300 curfew ticket and being arrested when I was 16. My parents were right about every choice and decision I had made. My dad could predict exactly what was going to happen before it did. He told me to always take care of body so I could go to college on a Cheer leading scholarship and to keep my grades up. But my friends were more important so now I am paying for college with my own money. I kick myself sometimes for not listening, but I wouldn't change a thing about my life now.

I'm getting everything back on track. My relationship with my Parents and God is stronger than ever.

I WILL be back in school in the summer.

I just have to keep having faith and just stop, take a deep breath sometimes, and think of what the right choice would be.

Time to get things done today, but I'm not done here. 

I'm still breathing
--april